• Enter VALENTINE and SPEED

    SPEED

    Sir, your glove.
    He offers a glove.

    VALENTINE

    Not mine. My gloves are on.

    SPEED

    Why, then, this may be yours, for this is but one.

    VALENTINE

    Ha! let me see. Ay, give it me, it’s mine.
    5Sweet ornament that decks a thing divine!
    Ah, Sylvia, Sylvia!

    SPEED

    [Calling] Madam Sylvia! Madam Sylvia!

    VALENTINE

    How now, sirrah?

    SPEED

    She is not within hearing, sir.

    VALENTINE

    10Why, sir, who bade you call her?

    SPEED

    Your worship, sir, or else I mistook.

    VALENTINE

    Well, you’ll still be too forward.

    SPEED

    And yet I was last chidden for being too slow.

    VALENTINE

    Go to, sir. Tell me, do you know Madam Sylvia?

    SPEED

    15She that your worship loves?

    VALENTINE

    Why, how know you that I am in love?

    SPEED

    Marry, by these special marks: first, you have learned, like Sir Proteus, to wreath your arms, like a malcontent; to relish a love-song, like a robin redbreast; to walk alone, like one that had the pestilence; to sigh, like a schoolboy that had lost his A B C; to weep, like a young wench that had buried her grandam; to fast, like one that takes diet; to watch, like one that fears robbing; to speak puling, like a beggar at Hallowmas. You were wont, when you laughed, to crow like a cock; when you walked, to walk like one of the lions; when you fasted, it was presently after dinner; when you looked sadly, it was for want of money. And now you are metamorphosed with a mistress, that when I look on you, I can hardly think you my master.

    VALENTINE

    Are all these things perceived in me?

    SPEED

    They are all perceived without ye.

    VALENTINE

    20Without me? They cannot.

    SPEED

    Without you? Nay, that’s certain, for, without you were so simple, none else would. But you are so without these follies that these follies are within you, and shine through you
    like the water in an urinal, that not an eye that sees you but is a physician to comment on your malady.
  • VALENTINE and SPEED enter.

    SPEED

    Sir, here is your glove.
    He offers a glove.

    VALENTINE

    That isn’t mine. I’m already wearing my gloves.

    SPEED

    Well, then, this may be your glove, because it’s all by itself.

    VALENTINE

    Ha! Let me see it. Yes, give it to me. It’s mine. Sweet accessory that Sylvia’s divine hand wears. Ah Sylvia, Sylvia!

    SPEED

    (calling) Madame Sylvia! Madama Sylvia!

    VALENTINE

    What are you doing, pal?

    pal

    Sirrah, the word used in Shakespeare’s original language, is used to address a social inferior.

    SPEED

    She’s too far away to hear me, sir.

    VALENTINE

    But, sir, who asked you to call out for her?

    SPEED

    You did, sir, or else I misunderstood you.

    VALENTINE

    Well, you’re always too presumptuous.

    SPEED

    Even though last time I was scolded for being too slow.

    VALENTINE

    Enough, sir. Tell me, do you know Madame Sylvia?

    SPEED

    The Madame Sylvia you love, your worship?

    VALENTINE

    Why, how do you know that I am in love?

    SPEED

    Because of all the right signs, of course: First, like Sir Proteus, you have started to fold your arms like you’re unhappy about something. You go around singing love songs like a redbreasted robin. You walk alone, like one who has the plague. You sigh like a schoolboy who has lost his textbook. You weep, like a young girl who has just buried her grandmother. You don’t eat, like one who’s on a diet. You can’t sleep, like one who fears being robbed. You whine, like a beggar on Hallowmas It used to be that when you laughed, you crowed like a rooster. When you walked, you walked like a lion. When you didn’t eat, it was because you’d just finished lunch. When you looked sad, it was because you were out of money. And now a mistress has changed you. When I look at you, I can hardly recognize you as my master.

    like a beggar on Hallowmas

    Hallowmas, or All Saint’s Day, took place on November 1, and it was customary on that day to give charity to beggars.

    VALENTINE

    Can you see all these things in me?

    SPEED

    They are all outside of you, in your outward appearance.

    VALENTINE

    Outside of me? They cannot be outside of me.

    SPEED

    Outside of you? No, I’m sure, because if you weren’t so obvious no one would see them. But your appearance is so marked by these foolish traits that they must be inside you, and they shine through you as if you were water in a jar. Everyone that sees you is like a physician who knows why you’re sick.