• Enter MARIA and FOOL

    MARIA

    Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard. Make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.
    Exit

    FOOL

    Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in ’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown.
    FOOL puts on gown and beard
    I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
    Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

    SIR TOBY BELCH

    10Jove bless thee, master Parson.

    FOOL

    Bonos dies, Sir Toby. For, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, “That that is is.” So I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson. For, what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but “is”?

    SIR TOBY BELCH

    To him, Sir Topas.
  • MARIA and the FOOL enter.

    MARIA

    No, I’m telling you, put on this robe and beard. Make him think you’re Sir Topas the priest. Be quick. Meanwhile, I’ll get Sir Toby.
    MARIA exits.

    FOOL

    Well, I’ll put it on and disguise myself. I wish I were the first person who ever told lies in a priest’s robe.
    The FOOL puts on the robe and beard.
    I’m not tall enough to make a believable priest, or skinny enough to look like a good student. But if you’re an honest man and a good host, that’s almost as good as being moral and studious. Here come the conspirators.
    SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA enter.

    SIR TOBY BELCH

    God bless you, Mr. Priest.

    FOOL

    Bonos dies, Sir Toby. As the old hermit of Prague, who couldn’t read or write, said very wittily to a niece of King Gorboduc, “Whatever is, is.” So since I’m Mr. Priest, I’m Mr. Priest. Because isn’t “that” “that,” and isn’t “is” “is”?

    Bonos dies

    The fool is saying hello in an imitation of Latin.

    SIR TOBY BELCH

    Go to him, Sir Topas.