• Enter Sir John FALSTAFF, with his PAGE bearing his sword and buckler

    FALSTAFF

    Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?

    PAGE

    He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water, but,
    for the party that owed it, he might have more diseases than
    he knew for.

    FALSTAFF

    5Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of this
    foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent
    anything that tends to laughter more than I invent, or is
    invented on me. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause
    that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath
    10overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the Prince put
    thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off,
    why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake,
    thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels.
    I was never manned with an agate till now, but I will inset
    15you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send
    you back again to your master for a jewel. The juvenal, the
    Prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledge—I will
    sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he
    shall get one off his cheek, and yet he will not stick to say
    20his face is a face royal. God may finish it when He will. 'Tis
    not a hair amiss yet. He may keep it still at a face royal, for
    a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it, and yet he’ll be
    crowing as if he had writ man ever since his father was
    a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he’s almost out of
  • Sir John FALSTAFF enters with his PAGE, who carries a sword and shield.

    FALSTAFF

    Sirrah, you giant, what did the doctor say about my urine?

    Sirrah

    Sirrah = term of address for a person of lower social rank

    giant

    Falstaff is mocking the page for being so small.

    PAGE

    He said that the urine itself was good, healthy urine, but that the man who owned it probably had more diseases than he could tell.

    FALSTAFF

    All kinds of people make it a matter of pride to heckle me. No man—that foolishly assembled lump of clay—could ever invent something quite as funny as I seem to be to other people. I’m not only witty on my own, but I bring out wit in other people. Look at the two of us, walking here: I look like a sow that’s smothered all of her baby pigs, except for you. If the Prince sent you to serve me for any other reason than to irritate me, I’m a fool. You weedy little son of a bitch: you’re so tiny that you should be a decoration on my hat, not a servant at my feet. I’ve never had a servant before who was as tiny as a ring stone. But I won’t set you in a gold or silver ring; I’ll wrap you in rags and send you back to your master, to be used as a jewel—that youth, the Prince your master, whose chin is still lacking a beard. Why, I’ll grow a beard in the palm of my hand before he’ll have one that he can shave off his face. And yet, this doesn’t stop him from claiming that he has a face for royalty. Well, God will give him a beard whenever he chooses to—there’s not a hair out of place yet. It’s a good thing the Prince’s face is a royal, because a barber will never earn a coin from shaving it. And still, the

    royalty

    Falstaff puns on the fact that a “royal” was a kind of coin, stamped with the king’s face.